Global Markets Reeling as Punk Band in Tatters

/Toronto tPH Newswire/ – The Parkdale Hookers are no more. The stunning announcement out of Toronto has global markets in jitters as news filters out from the headquarters of the secretive hedge fund and punk rock group.

Stunned employee depart tPH Intl. HQ for the last time.

The Board of Directors has ousted the top executives and regulators are scrambling to decipher the complex web of business entities and financial derivatives the group may or may not have controlled.

Not a single member of the group was available for comment:

CFO and drummer Mark Collins has apparently already moved on, now acting in an EVP capacity for a large publicly traded technology company. According to a terse press release issued by a PR firm known to have represented Collins in the past, “He is under NDA and cannot name his employer. Mr. Collins is no longer a member of tPH International and has divested all of his shareholdings.”

Phil Emery has surfaced as co-host on Ryerson’s Songtalk radio and contrary to a recent twitter rumour will not be hosting the 2015 Oscars.

CEO Mark Jeftovic has reportedly left the country. A Dutch expat near Roca Milagro, Panama related stories to local reporters that the ostensible frontman is “out there, somewhere”, gesturing toward the jungle. “He is hopped up on nootropic brain enhancers and holed up with guns, a bitcoin wallet and about a half tonne of tinned food. He will not talk about the Hookers. All he talks about is ‘the impending collapse of the global financial system‘”.

With the unsigned rock group being counter-party to an estimated 92 trillion dollars of complex derivatives, credit default swaps and leveraged futures, financial commentators wonder if that is a self-fulfilling prophecy….

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